#Health – Baffled Ape

What I wanted to talk about here is the stuff that’s present every single day of your life. It’s just there, lurking and then jabbing at your subconscious then invading your thoughts and sending that unexpected and most unwanted adrenaline rush. It’s just momentary, the thought itself lasting no more than a second, the raised heart rate and associated adrenaline buzz however lasting longer. There are days when this is simply exhausting, debilitating and I guess you’d say depressing. Some days overwhelming to a point where retreat to a safe dark room, and the perceived security of a duvet calls out.

I very rarely succumb to that literal security blanket, instead the mask goes up, the appearance of normality, though no doubt those nearest and dearest detect the ‘absence’ and strange distraction, vagueness or (to them) just plain strangeness I seem to be displaying. What should one do? Should one just announce boldly ” Look folks, I have this problem, stuff from the past hides around every corner, behind every door, at every road junction, as a possible consequence of every driving decision”, and it extends to loved ones, those I care about most, nightmare scenarios chattering in my head, ‘what if?’

PTSD is debilitating, exhausting, relentless, ever present, relationship harming, marriage destroying, barrier creating, socially isolating and just makes you ‘Appear Weird, Aloof’

Over 40 years of “Expecting The Unexpected”, ‘dreading’ the unexpected, ‘fearing’ the unexpected, always there, always present, like the chronic pain, the legacy of that ‘unexpected’ moment all those years ago.

Recently, my old friend or (enemy?!) diagnosed by various professionals as PTSD or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, has been niggling away at me. It happens, it has been happening for a very long time in my case, since 1979 in fact, but has only had an official ‘name’ (diagnosis) in the last few years.

A few years ago I put up my hand and admitted that I needed some kind of therapy, counselling, psychotherapy, talking therapy or whatever. I didn’t know what I needed but I acknowledged I needed something. I’d hit a low point, something was wrong, something I thought might be connected to grief, to losing my Father a couple of years before in 2016.

So, my GP referred me to therapy, I went through what seemed like a selection or filtering process of speaking to therapist after therapist asking different questions until I was placed with a psychotherapist, let’s call her ( ‘A’ ) and after a while, a whole can of worms was opened and each wriggling worm of dark and troubling thoughts from a lifetime led to an exploration of deep stuff that needed dealing with! After several weeks of therapy with (A), she said to me “I think you are suffering with PTSD”, she went on to say “PTSD is outside my field of expertise, but I’m sure you are showing symptoms, here at these sessions of PTSD”. She advised me to go back to my GP and ask for a PTSD assessment via a specialist in that field …

My initial response was “No Way!” You see, I’d heard of PTSD, who hasn’t? And there was no way I deserved that particular badge.

… My initial response was “No Way!” You see, I’d heard of PTSD, who hasn’t? And there was no way I deserved that particular badge. That’s how I saw it, to truly truly hold your hand up and declare “I have PTSD”, you must have earned it, gone through the ‘rite of passage” those veterans, firefighters, emergency service and rescue workers I’d heard about had. They deserved the PTSD Badge … I simply did not! But I learned it is not as clear cut and simple as that.

I wanted to talk about the relentless, ever present daily reminders, not so much the vivid ‘in detail’ nightmare flashbacks (though more later) but the constant, dripping tap like intrusions into every day, every hour sometimes, life. My own PTSD is all related to sudden surprise and shock. In my case it was a sudden, surprise extreme and catastrophically violent impact. And now, to this day, 40+ years later, daily, sometimes hourly, I experience the adrenalin rush associated with the imminent blow I am suddenly, without any warning expecting! This is normal to me. It is distracting, ever present, distressing, incredibly upsetting and absolutely exhausting. But here’s the catch, and I wonder how many readers here can relate, this constant fear, high alert state is endured in silence, in secret, in shame even, without saying a word, without telling a sole, a loved one, anyone … until those therapy sessions that is a few years back. And then it was (and remains) only discussed with a professional, a stranger and one-to-one during various sessions and treatments.

I’ve not had any therapy for a couple of years. To be honest I think I suffered from ‘Therapy Fatigue’ after what seemed like years of weekly sessions. I ended up seeing an EMDR (Eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing) Therapist. I was very sceptical, it seemed like Voodoo to me when first described, but I stuck with it and it seemed to do some good, it did help me to see and consider other perspectives. It was a strange but very revealing process and it helped me understand how I process other thoughts and experiences.

PTSD is not something you casually mention daily, like maybe some other niggling ailment. I experienced trauma at a relatively young age. Such an experience can ‘rewire’ the brain, and I believe it did for me.

In conclusion I’m now in my 60’s, I’ve always felt different, I really wish I didn’t for most of my life, but I am what I am, I am who I am. I’ve tried, I’ve researched, explored, reached out for professional help, and I’ve learned from that exploration. What seems insurmountable, and saddest to me, is my inability to maintain friendships and connections with individuals or groups of other people.

I don’t know if anyone will read this, or if anyone will relate? My hope is that it might help someone feel less alone.

Thank you for reading.

Tag: #Health

Expecting The Unexpected – Musings on ‘Everyday’ PTSD …