The date Pink Floyd’s ‘Another Brick In The Wall Part 2 was released as a single, and randomly scrolling through my Twitter ‘Music‘ list prompted me to post the ‘quote tweet’ below. And then down a rabbit hole on a whistle stop tour of unwanted memories my mind hurtled.
Hospital bed memories – November 23rd, 2021, scroll on …
1st Stop – Simpson Ward, The Brook General Hospital, Shooters Hill, London
November 1979, my 2nd stay in Simpson Ward, this time for 3 weeks, ‘Bone Grafting’ surgery & recovery. I wrote about it a little [ here ] the surgeon was saving my leg by removing bone from my hip to repair catastrophic damage three months earlier to my right Tibia, which I wrote about [ Here ] and [ Here ] – I’ve always loved my music, and that song was being played on the little radio I listened to in my hospital bed.
2nd Stop – Simpson Ward, The Brook General Hospital, Shooters Hill, London
Time Jump to 3 months earlier, a warm and sunny Monday morning in August, one week exactly from my 19th birthday, and in a ‘Split Second‘ my life was changed forever … I’ve told you all about that [ Here ] Warning! Graphic Content!
3rd Stop – The Present, 2022 January to Present
What a grim year! Energy crisis, Mortgage rates, Inflation, the war in Ukraine, the Tory government accelerating their 12 years and counting mission to fuck everything up they touch, voting to pump raw sewage onto our beaches, causing the £ to crash, installing more unelected leaders as PM. Even the Queen gave up, just one handshake from Liz Truss and HRH decided Enough is Enough!
My own family’s finances are in dire straits. In March the car went to try and offset mortgage payment rises. As I write this towards the end of November, the heating has just gone on, but with the thermostat set at 14.5c …
… But now (finally I hear you say) to the point of this whole post, my ‘Epiphany’ of sorts. My memory being jogged and taken on a journey by seeing the Twitter post above, the anniversary of the release of a song. All this year I have spent sleepless nights and anxious days worrying, beating myself up and feeling so bloody guilty about not contributing more financially to the household budget. I have the time, on some days the chronic pain [ I told you about Here ] is not ‘as bad’ as others. I’ve been surfing the job sites, set up google alerts & subscribed to e-mail lists, hoping maybe, just maybe I’ll see a job that I “could” do.
But November 23rd, 2022, after my memory carried me back to the places I’ve mentioned and linked to above, a voice inside my head told me not to be so hard on myself. I’m in my 63rd year and worked hard for almost 40 years despite being declared ‘disabled’ at just 19 years of age. I went to bed at 8:00pm and slept almost all night but I dreamed, I dreamt of pain & surgery, processing my early evening thoughts no doubt. When I awoke and the family were off to work and school, I went in search of an old blog post to remind me of the point where I had to give in to a disability I’d been in denial of for most of my life. I reposted it unchanged, word-for-word, as it is still relevant today. That post marks the point in time I finally admitted to myself that I was, and had been disabled for a very long time. Apart from the surgeries I’ve mentioned and linked to above, there was a ‘Spinal Fusion’ in 2000, another birthday spent in a hospital bed, this time my 40th! The damage done to my lower spine caused by 20 years of walking with a ‘corrective gait’ (limping in other words), putting uneven load on the vertebrae and discs leading to herniation and rupture. That surgery left its own side effects and complications, ‘scar tissue adhesion’ I was told a couple of years later when seeking a diagnosis for ever present sciatica and numbness in my ‘good leg!’ Then later after the 2013 MRI scans a diagnosis of ‘Peridural Fibrosis’ …
… and Traumatic Arthritis of the spine, knee and ankle! Yet I still beat myself up, feel laden with guilt that – ‘I’m NOT OUT THERE EARNING’.
So, to conclude my ramblings here on this ‘Epiphany’ of mine, probably short lived as no doubt I will revert to blaming myself for everything, but in this ‘living in the moment’ clarity … what do YOU think readers? Is my epiphany valid?
Thank you for reading.
Baffled Ape 