How I learned to love my Chronic Pain …

From the archives [ Originally published November 9th 2014 ] Please bear with me as I migrate these old posts from the now defunct Google Blogger

… Well, not the pain, but the diagnosis at least. 

Last August marked the 35th anniversary of my not being able to take a single step without feeling pain. Due to a simple mistake while making an everyday driving manoeuvre I found myself fighting for my life and forever more disabled. 

As a young man with what I later found to be a very unhelpfully stoic attitude, I forged ahead in denial of my physical limitations and eaten away with the frustration of those limits and angry inside with the ever present pain. As I now know, being in denial of constant pain is a very bad reality to deal with. From day one I accepted responsibility for my mistake and to this day I may or may not have been in the wrong. That does not matter now of course, but what did matter was my own harsh judgement of myself. By feeling responsible for the accident I was also responsible for the resulting injury, pain & disability. 

So I put the lot to one side and got on with life after a 12 month diversion of hospitalisation, treatment, surgery & learning to walk again. Stupidly, I got back onto the path I’d been on prior to the accident, same job (I was 3 years into a 5 year apprenticeship) not stopping to consider whether I was still able to do such work, I soldiered on, stoically like a fool, chastising myself each time I couldn’t do what I could before. My punishment to myself was simply – you did it, your mistake, shut up and get on with it! And I did for years all the while seething inside & stubborn. 

When you seriously damage a major part of your skeleton it has knock on effects on other parts of your skeleton. So as the years passed more pain occurred in different places, then more surgery which in turn caused other knock on Neuropathic pain. Then fairly recently the term ‘Chronic Pain’ was being used by the various medical professionals. I had reluctantly returned to, to seek help as my everyday work & life became impossible. So after 18 months of new tests, scans and a ‘Spinal Probe’, nerve function, blood flow tests, the various specialists, surgeons & my GP were turning to me to look me in the eye and say ‘ I cant do anything surgical for you as the risk is too high, what we are looking at is managing your Chronic Pain’. This funnily enough came as a sort of relief. I felt that I had tried, was motivated and persistent in the previous 18 months on seeking specialist advice in the hope that there may be new modern surgical techniques that might help with the pain, enable me to work more and interact physically more with my young family. But, three surgeons and my GP later it is a case of managing chronic pain. 

I of course started to research chronic pain and to my surprise there is a lot of info around, This Article made lots of sense to me, I had heard the term ‘Spoonie’, seen people describe themselves that way on their Twitter bio’s, and although I would not put myself in the category of some who describe themselves as ‘spoonies’ I can certainly relate to the ‘Spoon Theory’ You are able to get a certain amount done in a day, that amount varies and once your supply of spoons is exhausted you are done! That can be difficult for others to understand, including close friends and family, even your partner. This diagram is a useful aid to describing the juggling of feelings and emotions. I’ve posted it many times on twitter and entered into some valuable exchanges of information with fellow sufferers.

Chronic pain is hard to live with but for me at least it’s not life threatening, and for that I’m thankful, but the anger, resentment, bitterness & resentment has gone. I feel happier than I have for years. I no longer blame myself. In fact, I am proud of my past achievements despite the ever present pain, but now I actually live within my physical means, I’m comfortable with using sticks & orthopedic splints in public, 

My beautiful daughter & ‘Carer’ Lulu

I used to be embarrassed at having to explain when people would ask ‘oh, what have you done?’ but now it’s simple I just reply ‘it’s a long story, I have problems with chronic pain’. Tends to shut most people up and if they are genuinely interested I will explain. Of course there is a vicious circle related to the drugs prescribed to treat chronic pain. That alone could be a whole other subject for discussion! (Watch This Space)

So why am I writing this? Well I hope it may strike a chord with people suffering with or living with someone who is dealing with chronic pain. Acceptance – was the key word for me, a trigger if you like. I accepted the fact that i cannot work as i did before, money is a big problem but in the scheme of things money is absolutely nothing but numbers to me. So Acceptance is the key i believe, for the Chronic Pain sufferer and those close to them. Speak, tell your partner & family why you are grumpy, tired & going to bed early. I personally can only get relief by lying flat. So I do now, whenever I have to, even if it is for 15 – 30 minutes, it helps generate a few more ‘spoons’.

Acceptance is the key. You suffer from Chronic Pain, some will never understand, including doctors, but then many have never (& hopefully will never) have experienced the ‘Split Second‘ that earned you membership to an exclusive club of survivors with incredibly horrible memories.    

Originally Published on

9/11/14 11:53 AM